Allow me to Introduce Myself

  So here I am. After many years of moving around. Making moves. Movin on up. And sometimes going nowhere. I am a late middle ager most people often think I could pass for a woman in my 40s thanks to my blonde ambition. I currently reside in an Assisted Living Facility (ALF) which may not be the most glamorous dwelling I've lived. But this is where I landed after raising my children who are grown. The only people I lived with for the last 30+ years. But moving settling down and making a home were the best life skills where I always showed the most consistency. That I can be proud of. After doing it for so long. No matter the neighborhood. No matter the type or layout  the dwelling. I made palaces out of places large and small. 

I have loved  every moment of life through instances of creativity. Many times that I was knocked down or counted out it was my creativity that made me young enough. Brave enough to just start over. Or just transform. There were many days that adapting to disappointing situations would mainly be moving from place to place under circumstances no one wants to have. Having 30 Days to find a place and move across town. Packing my shit and moving across the state with children in tow. Until I contracted Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. By then I lived in all types of places from the time I was a young woman of 19. That's how long it was that I started finding places to stay. No more than four years into my adulthood I became a mother at the age of 22 and continued to move to several apartment homes in several towns sprinkling northern areas of New Jersey, to include Newark and East Orange. 

I never was someone who could afford to live on my own. But as long as I worked I got pretty good jobs of distinction. I look back now and can  accept that people probably let me slide. They trusted me to pay on time and I did for a while. But for whatever obstacle, spending more on food clothing, anything I thought I could make up later  always set me back. This naturally came to a path of ruin when I owned my first house two years after my mother died during the mid 90s. For 2 years I lived and owned my own home in Florida never to return to my hometown in New Jersey. But I lost it.

I thought that would ruin me. Yet I still found other places to live. By then I had two children. I got married to some one I thought I loved enough. Lived in hotels periodically and made a home with him until I had to flee from his violent episodes and rapings. Yes. I ran through eight towns and eight states. I Fled from him leaving clothes toys and furniture in Uhal with my girlfriend, and, a car full of items I thought I could take with me to Jersey. But it rained that day. The car overheated and I was stuck with two small children on the side of the road. I left with my children and the clothes on our backs. And I thought that would ruin me too. 

However, we went back to Jersey. And this was the first time I understood how often I was actually homeless before I left.  I looked for domestic violence and crisis shelters in the yellow pages as the boys and I finished a hefty breakfast in one of the suites at the Hilton and jumping up and down on those cushy beds. I brought three brown boxes from the car with me that mainly contained toiletries, underwear, and any clothing and jewelry I thought were most valuable. I unloaded the car after I was lucky enough to wave down a tow truck driver who took me to a gas station where I picked up $500 for it. That got us for from one place to the next.

In any case A free service van took me to a shelter for abused women in Newark on a tiny one way street where this city meets another called East Orange. I left this place after three months. Got an apartment three blocks over that was at least 6 floors high. I was lucky to live on the third floor. I never lived in a apartment development like that one. An even larger one called The Spiers was more than 8 times the size. And it was the poorest but largest area in Newark where crack was king. Period.  

So I became homeless again. This time for two tears in a shelter for women to obtain sobriety from drinking and drugs. Women who also had a background of domestic violence. I lived with all the women and our children for 2 years and I would leave that dwelling for another where I would stay for seven years with the help of government programs. And I thank the Universe for those programs. But my time was up when my first son turned 18. 

It seemed there were no choices in sight. But out of the blue a place being a stone's throw from Pennsylvania came through. Two years there and finally we moved to the Sunshine State again. I came to this state with new intentions and dreams. Even though I don't like this town very much. It has never been quite the home for me but it has been a place of hope, another new start. 

Our family actually wanted to stick together to pool our resources since my becoming disabled following an open  heart surgery. And it's been touch and go from there because I began to grow quite aggravated with the living situation. Doubly tired of having to live with two grown sons on top of having to manage medical conditions and finding ways to sell my art. It just seemed like I couldn't get a break. 

Although I am disabled and have never wanted to live in this city or in a place full of crazies and strangers I would never want to get to know in life, I am still grateful to be alive. I still have hope and dreams. This small corner I have to live in is all I am responsible for which is very important to me right now. I want to start over again. Even with the severe challenges I face. I still want to believe I have a Blonde Black Badass life ahead of me. Even though I cannot see anything better than where I am. Having no reason to hope at all. I want that which I deserve:  all of the Joy, Laughter, Love and Success I have Dreamed of. Because I am still willing to seek it it; to do the work to create as much Beauty in my life as I desire.

I wanted a fresh start three years ago. That time is NOW. And I pray that it is not too late for me. My Badass Blonde Ambitions drive me. I cannot just disappear. I want to make even more Joy, Love and Laughter in my life. And no. I don't like where I am. The aim for me is find out if am still badass enough to change it? 

I say Yes. Yes I am.

Luv to Me, Ms. BBB

Next Post:

Becoming a Black Badass Blonde