Returning Gifts and Rage

 I had an awkward somewhat unsettling situation that began building a few weeks ago with a person with whom I am trying very hard to be friends. We just met a couple of months ago when she moved in next door so she is my neighbor. Sometimes I can't even stand hearing her voice. I know she has a condition that messes with her brain and she cannot help herself. But she's a damned pain in the ass!

I avoid her as often as I can because her social and emotional development remind me of young adults who never grow up beyond the age of teenagers. As a preference I don't fuck with kids that age or younger like I used to. That includes these badassed babies who like showing their asses until they get around white folks. I have little tolerance for them but that doesn't mean I don't have love and compassion for them. However, my favorite age groups  were always those between 8 and 12 though. I tutored these kids the most besides college students and adult learners.

The reason why I liked that age group even now is because these tweenies put me in the mind of people who were already adults. They just didn't know it yet. Especially charter school students. Those I tutored tended to be just old and young enough to still hold their parents as sacred cows. And they lived by traditional rules of etiquette because they did not want to shed any form of disgrace on their families, teachers anyone whom they cared about personally. I called kids like this "My Little Brave Ones." 

As adults being twice as brave isn't always recognized as a virtue. Sometimes being brave enough to refuse a gift or someone else's gesture of kindness could be perceived as offensive or stupidity. In my case I thought it was okay to accept some clothing from the woman I thought I could also embrace as a friend and neighbor. The fact that I made a present for her sister from some old material passed onto me through my neighbor was a good gesture. When this woman of 43 years of age first came here she asked for something sweet to dial back her light headedness. I had a pastry I knew was very unhealthy for me that I was happy to give instead of throw away.  Since she asked for something this specific I didn't mind. 

I would normally try to help anyone out if I could but this one gesture started something I found would be arguably difficult for me to follow through. Although most of my friendships later on in life have been uncomfortable or awkward  I still believe friendships are valuable. Not everyone believes this but I do think my neighbor and I are quite aware of this maybe even desperate for them. Because friendships are a gift. In fact, I myself did a Happiness study during undergrad about 12 years ago and Friendship was ranked among the top 4 reasons people thought happiness is achieved. In otherwords: Friendships make people happy.

Now when it comes to gifts and proper etiquette for returning something to someone the uncomfortable part of returning gifts from people I am probably not friends with is simply that I don't want to argue. I prefer throwing their shit away. Not to be mean. I would rather dispose of any guiltiness behind what could also hurt the giver's feelings. Even if can't stand them. 

For example, when I first began to wear garments my neighbor gave me everything was cool until she began making references to others that she gave them to me. Or every time she was in my presences. Sometimes she did it while we were both surrounded by our peers. I didn't care much for that shit so I didn't bother correcting her because the items looked way better on me. Yet eventually I threw most of them away. An article from Democracy.com (n. d.) talks about what I knew about my neighbor. Her actions were done mainly for selfish reasons and to brag about how generous she is to our peers. I knew she was trying hard to make a good impression to gain acceptance from other people. But fuck that.

I too feel the need for more connectedness in my life. However, I have not always been able to get it which is hard for me to not be angry about. And accept. Boiling pressure issues for me come down to: people leaving me out, ignoring me and loneliness. But it doesn't make me want to hurt people. Or gain their acceptance by giving them too much of my shit. I am a generous person. I have been generous with people to a fault by overlooking how greedy and worthless they are like keeping clothes I don't really wear anymore in my closet. That shit makes me want to throw things away. Shade the hell outta people. Take things to the dumpster. Not return a favor. Let her rip and not give a shit. Because I must get rid of unnecessary attachments that clearly do me no good.

So I did feel better after I got rid of some of the items my neighbor gave me. I wanted to keep all of them but I just didn't feel right because I really wanted to avoid being around her or wearing the items anymore. I knew my neighbor wouldn't be able to understand getting rid of the clothing wasn't about trying to hurt her. At the same time, my neighbor has no idea she is really being shallow and insincere because the gift is actually a tradeoff for the my friendship or cause to solidify a future deed. 

I noticed a post from a self proclaimed therapist in my feed who said all the raging behavior I mentioned previously are forms of adult tantrums. And I don't give a shit. I recognize them as forms of rage. And my rage has been extensive. I realize rage has been a tradeoff behavior of mine for tolerating people. After being polite and cordial toward them while I tried going along for a while to get along until I had enough of that shit. It doesn't work very long because people who lack any form of proper etiquette  think they are doing me a favor. That they can act a fool all they want without being aware of their own foolhardiness. And I don't correct them for long periods of time until I do. They are adults. Yet unlike like my neighbor there are plenty of people who don't care about their own stupid actions. When a fierce Sistar Black Queen like myself puts them in check they talk about how angry I am and "All Black women's" ugly attitudes. And that's bullshit because I get tired of holding onto my rage. I know how to find the compassion I need to handle emotions behind these kinds of situations better now.

In any case rage has been my radar for other things I am feeling. Ronald Potter-Efron, MSW, PhD says my behavior is called "sudden rage." To first trivialize the behavior by calling them adult tantrums removes the true emotional and mental challenges of people who are suffering from former traumas. From his book "Rage A-Step-by-Step Look at Explosive Anger, Potter-Efron (      ) says people with sudden rage explode as a result of feelings like mine when I try to repress my rage over something or someone that pisses me off and then, I react by yelling, screaming or throwing shit around to release my anger. I will forget parts of what happened too. 

So I pay attention to those feelings first. I pay attention to how I treat people. I even promised my neighbor I wouldn't cuss her the fuck out anymore. Because even though she's a pain in the butt she is growing on me. I do think this friendship is a gift 🎁. It is not a tangible gift but is a gift nonetheless. 

Critics of the true nature of rage need to stop trying to label behavior that leads to people understanding their emotions and the politics of people's freedom. These online self proclaimed therapists need to shut the fuck up if they cannot provide references for their terms or studies of what they are talking about. Rage is a term. Not adult tantrums or tantruming. Rage is an emotion. Rage is a condition that can be worked through (Effron-Potter,     ) not some new fangled term to be concocted for new modern therapy to trivialize. 

Like the gift I was struggling about returning I wish to change my karma and the way I do things. I have learned to do slow-mos by walking through my rage over things that I hold precious like my values, belonging, family and my upbringing.  Stepping through the rage of fire takes time. It takes more patience with myself more now than ever. And my rage challenges me to make friendships that are worth having and avoiding those bad friends and things I must stop holding onto.

Luv, To U & Me

Ms. BBB😘

References:

Theocracy. (n. d.) is it Rude to Return a Gift? alrighthttps://themocracy.com/is-it-rude-to-return-a-gift-to-the-giver/

Effron-Potter, R. T. (2007). Rage: A-Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive.  Anger. New Harbinger Publications.