Solitude

 So I am here again feeling a little blue. I have so much to do with so little. I am overwhelmed with some future challenges I have coming that make me feel like I am letting myself down. Just feeling like I stepped away from those challenges a bit. Even feeling a little ungrateful but I need to do this right now to regroup and understand the outcomes I have been aiming for this year and the next year or so because they are worth taking more time to achieve. 

I am putting my intuition first and resisting the tendency to compulsively do shit without being in touch with how I truly feel about each step moving forward. Just being willing to take each step forward by listening to my own heartbeat. My own voice. I know no one can make it in this life alone. Yet I have chosen to handle a lot of problems in my life by myself during a few periods throughout my life. Choosing solitude was a form of refuge for me often for several reasons during these times (Marano, 2003; 2016). And I would choose this safe place many more times again. Sometimes those times were rough but I still don't think I knew how much time I needed to just ignore people. That staying still instead of basically being kicked, pushed around and rejected by peers didn't allow me any time to realize what a badass I really was which only confirmed my beliefs and my growth as a Black woman. I don't think I got enough time to just feel the true power of my own womanhood until my kids were practically grown.

During this holiday it's been important for me to have that same form of solitude by protecting my silent happy place from the same ol' janky assed familiar people who would continue to waste lot of my time if I continue to let them. My whole life as a natural Black woman was disrupted by people making comments and noises I didn't wanna hear. People Talking shit about things I could care less about. These became all the types of reasons why I wanted to tune people the fuck out. Unfortunately this is why cigarettes, weed, alcohol and crack cocaine were perfect accessories and entertainment  for so much of my adulthood. If I didn't particularly care for certain people, tasks or situations I could soon do something to be left the fuck alone or give myself a boost.

According to WTC Coach Training Institute's Lauren Gombas, Solitude helps you get to know yourself (2022).  She also said that "solitude allows for choosing how to spend time without worrying about anyone else's feelings." That it is an allowance I give myself all the time now and I see how much people can't stand my ability to just chill and enjoy the tranquility of just being alone. Some people purposely leave me out of group activities that others get to enjoy together just because I don't care what people do or don't do without me around. I could give a flying fuck less. I remember drinking my beers and doing drugs by myself back in the day over those feelings of being dismissed or a person having to deal with intergroup bias among peers. I didn't care that no one was there. I totally loved being alone but I started to love getting high more.

I must say that although I had fewer days of solitude being a single mother especially when the boys were in homeschool I did have time alone waiting for trains and buses. I remember feeling the air around me during those New Jersey winter winds whispering in quiet tones that reminded me I was part of this cold environment.  Those days reminded me that I was on my own. It felt good.

During hotter than July days walking home from bus stops, from the grocery store from and the laundry mat, I felt the Zen of my soul. Those walks were not always easy. But I felt so strong. Because I was going somewhere. I was going everywhere on my own. Even though I gave up a whole lot of my time all those years homeschooling my children and getting my own college degrees I still distinguished my own frequency. I went to that strong place inside of me. In fact getting my education put me in that zone. That quiet place I went so often to understand my own thoughts, opinions and dispositions. I realized I could stop looking for friends more and more because I had more sun in my life than most people I would ever meet. Dr. Vivian Thomas calls these times of my own inner directed power I felt because of my personal growth.

I was going places. And I didn't owe anyone shit. Not an ounce of my good energy. But it was hard to keep people from popping my yellow balloons. From several years of educating myself earning my undergrad, then, finding Buddhism I learned to chant. This, too was a very good mechanism that brought me up in a way drugs could not years ago. By then I was six years clean. Even though I was very happy with myself for the first five years of recovery I found people to be so so shitty and un-fabulous.

Nothing changed my mind too much until learning to chant. My love of solitude returned. However, people were just as shitty as they ever were. It took me a few more years to understand that I was better off protecting my solitude and that it didn't matter too much how I connected with that space. The only rules are to not use again and don't rely on others for my happiness. I finally realize why I love and must protect my solitude. And it doesn't matter how either because I really enjoy that time now as never before. It's taken me a while to get here but I really like this place. It's my sweet spot. And nothing's gonna change that.

Happy Holidays

Luv To You & me, Ms. BBB 😘

References

Marano , L. (2016). Originally 2003. W2C The Difference Between Solitude & Loneliness. https://www.coachtrainingedu.com/blog/solitude-vs-loneliness

Gombas,    (2022). What is the Difference Between Solitude & Loneliness. https://www.coachtrainingedu.com/blog/solitude-vs-loneliness//

Thomas, V. (2022). Is Your Solitude Authentic?  https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/solitude-in-social-world/202203/is-your-solitude-authentic%3famp