Never Knew For Sure

I was watching one of my favorite anime shows late at night after taking a little nap after dinner tonight. One of the antagonists in the show is a demon slayer. She is the newest on a team if five demon slayer and they all have different talents. They're yungins, too. Probably all high school young. So this demon slayer's whole village was overcome by demons. But during this episode she reflected on something her father said to her as he complimented her training probably a few months before he was killed in that attack. He said "I want you to have a strong life." I really paid attention to that. Mainly because I thought I might have heard someone like my mother say this to me before. 

So she met some girls who sought her out to train them in demon slaying. They were sisters. Their approach was truly charming and sincere. Just a couple of young silly girls wanting to do what the antagonist was known for, by asking for her guidance. Very humbling as they kneeled with their faces to the ground.

Anyway the antagonist took them on and showed them a small spell the next day using powder and herbs that would rid an area of demons. But the girls wanted to use a more hands on approach. They ended up stealing some of the demon slayer's weapons and other sacred items that would only increase the threat of demons. That would be because they were inexperienced and didn't know what the hell they were doing! In that moment while they were trying to make their getaway the sisters shouted "our father wanted us to be strong!" And because in real life they were ninjas they figured training to become demon slayers would help them become stronger and more able to save their village if they were attacked. Which might have been a good speculation. The take away here is that the demon slayer trained for many years to become renowned at such an early age. And her response really moved me. The demon slayer told the sisters that their father in essence, was just trying to tell them he wanted them to have happy lives. I was quite move by that. Because the truth is I never really felt like my mother wanted me to be happy.

I am sure a lot of us feel that way when we are in our tweens and into adulthood. But I actually never really felt my mother wanted anything good for me or anything in terms of happiness except three times in my life. I never actually heard her say anything about being proud of me except once. That was on her deathbed. Now many would say I just don't remember any other time. But I am not sure that's true. I think if my mother had been a bit more proud of me or if I felt she wanted me to be happier, our relationship would have been different. And I would remember that. But it wasn't. So the question on this night as I watched my anime was did she really want me to have a happy life?

I have to say the two of us went through so much shit that she only had a short amount of time to think about that. I know once she said if anything happened to her I would be the child she would not have to worry about. I understood what she meant. That I could take care of myself. But I think she should have been more concerned about me instead of my brothers. No shade. Because she wasn't proud of me until my first son was 5 years old and could do everything for himself. The last she said she was proud of me was four days before she died.  She said "you make everything so beautiful." This happened after I arranged some get well cards she received in a design all over the hospital wall. That day I think we ran out of time. 

So yes I guess she hoped I would be happy in life. She just didn't always show it. She didn't always tell me either. And I never knew for sure.