The Supa Dupa Badass Warrior of One

I recently listened to Professional Trouble maker author Luvvy Ajai (2021) on Audible this month. I needed a little push to get some things off of my chest and find a new way to support healing along my journey. It's because I am simply just tired of always having to struggle through shit by myself. Besides committing to writing my book, and quietly doing this blog, I have been suffering in silence. Always having to fight alone. Being choked out by pain, shame, sometimes even fear over things I try to say don't matter anymore when I know they still do. Yes the fuck they do. Being abused, ignored, raped, expolited, and medicating myself allowed the bastards who harmed me to kick me in the stomach all the time. And yes, Drinking and Medicating myself was the approach I took to soothing my rage over years and years of motherfuckers getting away with what was taken from me and making life so much harder than it had to be. Now I have a chance to come out of the shadows. Tell all my stories using different platforms. And yes again, finally, I found the tribe I have been looking for all my life. So Yay for me! It's time that I can be happy for me! For a change someone gave me an opportunity to join and facilitate a group. Finally I am not being told to just follow someone else. Today I get to support people in a way that will probably be reciprocated. I feel like people will appreciate my time now after all these years I worked on myself and recently being able to enjoy results of some of my current breakthroughs. Today I feel like I'm hitting the ground running! Anyway. Luvvy's audio book gave me the inspiration I needed. Mainly an exercise she suggests to give yourself names that make you sound like the most outstanding over the top version of yourself. Her names were over the top exaggerating for herself and her grandmother, someone she looked up to all her life. And she referenced their names in the same way the Game of Thrones referenced the Khaleesi Breaker of Chains yada yada yada. The point of the exercise is to toot your own horn. Give yourself a name that expresses you greatest qualities. I think mine are true to form so far, although my first was the name of this blog, which I named before I even learned of Luvvy's book. But damn I was onto something that I am being encouraged to do 9 times or more. I'm all for it. And I suggest every Black woman does it. It's instant empowerment. I had an extra blue week last week though. When I have weeks like that I start looking over to do lists especially if I haven't done my blog. I check in with my oldest friends but since we are all in different States and have crazy schedules sometimes that involves a bit of phone tag. It doesn't last but I also noticed that I hadn't felt that blue lately either. But I wanted answers. Answers from my sons on why I couldn't pick up a $25 table from someone selling it to me on Facebook marketplace. Why not? Why my oldest son never feels well enough to do shit like this when we have nothing else to do? Why does he have to babysit his man when he's not feeling well on the same day he's chosen to visit me for the passed 2 years. Why are we not getting my things out of a storage unit right up the street from them after bringing that shit up from Jersey after 8 years. That shit is so so so frustrating to me. My ass had to pack shit up and move all the time with just a car when I was young. I moved a houseful of furniture once from Jersey to Florida too when I was pregnant with my youngest son. I was as old as my youngest son is now. So why all the excuses? WTF is all the crying about? That shit totally brings me down. I let my youngest know that, first of all it has been 3-4 month that my eldest has seen something his body has been producing. And, while he's fucking around waiting for someone to approve insurance or some referral from the source he's going to, he should have gone to the ER. Secondly, he's worried about catching a bill from paying for a test he might as well take the bill for because if he has a stage IV situation that will cost over $8000. That is at least 3 times the amount of the test he should be getting sooner rather than later. When it comes to certain health issues you can't be waiting around. I told him I would go to the hospital with him to get looked at. They do those tests there all the time. So why not go? Because he's waiting for someone to give him permission? Why? Why keep waiting? And then acting like you're sick all the time. Every few weeks complaining about not feeling well. So badly that you can't give your mother a ride now. He didn't even bother calling me the day before to let me know he didn't feel well and they were cancelling coming by. There have been quite a few days that my sons show me that they aren't even going to try to push through their struggles. And so they just don't. Then I feel like like I have to stop feeling like a mom again when I really don't care about being one anymore. I would never want my sons to become sick. But being scared, not feeling good, not wanting to do shit I didn't want or being tired never stopped me from pushing through. And I think that is because I would not hesitate to push through even when I was scared. I had to make decisions to push through or just out and out fall on my face during any given crises. Failing didn't even stop me from pushing through. If I failed I had a new and improved way to push though in the end. So failures didn't matter. Results mattered to me. I know my sons are a different generation. I sound like older people I used to know when I think about both their weaknesses and their strengths. I know we're all doing the best we can. I know I can be a bit of a Diva when it comes to my relationship with my sons. Even though I think they are dragging ass or not moving with a sense of urgency with their affairs...they are good guys. I want the best for them. I wish they had more vision or belief in themselves. But they have never given me a worry in the world. Anyway back to me. I should have more to say after I start attending this group next month. I want to enjoy my journey for a change instead of feeling like I am on a rescue mission. I am in a good place in life right now. When situations occur that I don't care for, I simply don't have to tolerate the shit. I am not spending time with people who waste my time or offend me. Fuck them. I've had many interactions with narcississts most of my life. Some of them are the worst abusers. Some of the make the best racists. I still have to deal with both. My abusers and abuse is still important even though these issues are relative of my past. I'm just not over them. I was a victim. A lot of people got away with harms I have been burying all these years. Not really being able to do anything about some of the shit it was all about being resilient yet silent about the truth about the narcisssists in my life. The specializing of my victimization these days comes off as people acting like my Black ass isn't visible. Fucking whities having Black artists on playlist and other cultural appropriations. Fuck these whities and their l'il microagressions. I am really tired of them because there are so few white people I want to be bothered with. Most of the ones I know aren't really concerned about me. Not like White people who I know do care about me for sure. And I'm not taking shit offa these white hags when they can't make up their minds about my being a %100 human being because I'm Black. I'm sick of this obnoxious bullshit. I think most Black women who have to interact with white people everyday feel the same way. I know I'm tired of their dumb shit. They can just fuck off if they can't be respectful. Anyway I am looking forward to my new endeavor. I really must extinguish my shame over the past harms. I love Luvvy's book. She's quite talented as an author because her satire is so on point. A lot of what she had to say really made me laugh. Which reminds me of how much fun that can be. How not taking myself so seriously is so freeing. No matter how these whities who can kick bricks wanna act like assholes I am happy to take every opportunity I want to shit on them too.Turning the other cheek doesn't work for narcissists. Well this month had a bunch of seasons all in one month. There were super hot days. There were pleasantly mild temperature days. One day we had some hail coming down on the roofs around here. On the cool days I could feel the dampness of the cold approaching from different parts of my body. Like my left shoulder. My left knee. Ouch. I made myself a framed mirror from some of my crafting material. I had two online group sessions and attempted to join a writer's community. And I finally got both the jute mandala for my wall and a touch lamp. I won several duels in the Room Design game and treated myself to a Pajama morning. I hoped it would be a perfect way to go into the afternoon arts and crafts session with this uppity white lady who tried to deter me from doing a project. But I did my project and left the room when I was done with not saying anything to her. I didn't need to. She was saving projects for people who weren't there or they weren't coming who were white. She expected me to leave when she blew me off. And I did. But I came back and sat down. She finally let me take the project I wanted. When I was done I left abruptly. I was pissed. But I sort've enjoyed that shit because I left my cell on the table when I left the first time. I got a chance to leave again without saying a word. She knew what I was going for. A "fuck you bitch" moment. As far as I'm concerned I succeeded. Twice. Anyway I looked for work. Followed up on transportation options I have through my healthcare insurance. Did some decorating and reached out to some good people at Sharewell.com. I've had a pretty cool month and am making my focus on what I want UNBREAKABLE. In fact here's something new I am willing to say about myself to become: have an UNBREAKABLE Spirit which makes me the type of woman who won't be denied or dismissed. I am focused on results so petty people cannot persuade me from achieving what want. I'm grateful that I can keep learning what's good for me. These experiences make me continue to push forward. Aim higher. And be even more hopeful that I will accomplish more fortune. Sooner. Not later. Luv to U & Me Ms. BBB