Self Judgement.

Self-judgement. I felt pangs of this recently and would feel it often when I tried signing up for programs that seemed like good opportunities to make money online. Hard sell precision made me reflect. But that has been only one of the first issues I had to deal with. Especially because these were mainly mainly white ladies I was being introduced to. They were all nice enough on paper and in stills when they took picks together. But somehow I just couldn't see the vision. I just didn't think I would fit in.

Yet recently meeting these ladies have reminded me of a saleswoman in the mall when I was getting my undergrad. I and my son were shopping for my graduation outfit. The woman had some rather disturbing gashes that seemed to be sown together with stitches along with some missing teeth in the front of her mouth. It was really disturbing but I acted like I didn't have a lot of time to shop to avoid her. I really felt her appearance was hideous wondering why she was allowed to work with the public. I just didn't wanna look at her. She wouldn't go 

away though. 

So I resigned. I guess I would get it over with. She brought out a couple of outfits. I still blew her off but every time she left my son and I looked at each other in disbelief. Never in the world would either of us would ever think we would be seeing a woman so disfigured working in one the top ranking shops in the country. Not no Black lady like that in one of the most prestigious malls in Jersey. No way. But this woman kept coming back with even more value for me each time with my very modest price point in mind. 

After awhile I didn't even notice the stitching in her mouth. I could only feel her emoting the warmth of the sun from her heart. She immediately became.......so beautiful. Which could be the only reason for this Black woman to be working a showroom in a large fashion store at the mall. My son and I were wrong about her. She made a connection and finally found the perfect suit for me. But even more than that she had such magnetism.  The lady showered me with delight. I forgot all about that surface shit. I have been thinking about this encounter a lot because I am beginning to age. And it's scaring the shit outta me. I haven't been doing a lot of things I used to that put me in touch or connect in the same way with people. Especially since COVID.

A few months ago I answered an ad and met a woman who introduced me to this other group of women on Facebook who wanted me to opt into some customized coaching. She said that people will not see my self judgement if I just present myself as I am. The only thing was that I thought to myself "well why should I do that?" "I'm trying to hide my rage and my pain. I cry all the time. Like at anytime I could lose my shit." I couldn't hold back the tears while having this conversation with this compassionate lady.  Like I said before. I couldn't quite wrap around the purpose of this group besides coaching other women.

She informed me that my fear must be extinguished though to rid myself of self judgement. And she was right. Additionally, I needed to find some people I can talk to. Well this group of women got together having that economic similarity was not going to be helpful to me. I truly couldn't afford to be in this group. So I figured out why I could not get past where I fit in this group realizing their was an economic barrier. Those women would never respect my opinions or input because I am not afforded the same privileges they do being white or advanced with their economic status. Especially being British. No fucking way. I didn't discuss this with the woman who was talking to me at the time.

I am an intelligent woman. An educated woman. I didn't need these bitches. I need some fucking money or make some connections with people who don't have attitudes toward people who don't. Educated people.  I have two degrees. I was in a doctoral to do research on how I could help other at risk women. What I found was  Black corporate women didn't understand their roles of being able to give more opportunities to sistahs even those way younger than themselves. Similarly, they believed that older women or Black female owned businesses should be ignored because they aren't perfect. Plain and simple. These hos are today's gatekeepers and Doberman pinchers.

So I know I cannot teach these corporate Black hos or the ones who just fabricate bullshit about others struggling in businesses or Black women who are great moms and had to struggle to get an education later on in life. They act like none of us deserve a chance. Like none of us deserve a voice. Their ears have turn deaf towards Black women enduring violence and abuse in their homes. I found that the unapologetic voice I had for so long being feminist turned to a small whisper nobody wanted to hear anymore because other women were too busy aiming to get a fucking bag. Cutting people off and turning a deaf ear on women in trouble is simply far easier than finding a way to change laws, wages and legal impunities. 

I had to remember that I was never the Black woman's enemy. I have always spoken up for us. And now I am a woman who needs support like those I spoke up for. I think it's a fucking shame too because so many have passed me by when they definitely could have at least pointed me in a direction a long time ago. A lot of what people like to charge for as expertise is shit they learned from the internet and information that is public knowledge. They were just being bitches not wanting me to shine or get to some bag I didn't even care about.

Bitches

Anyhoo. I eventually did find an online community that is pretty cool. I check in twice a month. It does require a fee for any more than one session but I am happy to do one for free each month until I can make the investment. I attended a couple of these sessions and feel like I am engaged by the type of people I should be sharing my shit with for a change. l needed this type of support instead of always having to keep my shit to myself all the time. And I can become a facilitator when I am ready. In fact I was encouraged to do so. So I am looking into that too. It's a dream of mine!

Love to you & Me 😘

Ms. BBB